You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
