when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
