; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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