So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize