Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
