Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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