my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
we made out on top of his cat.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize