I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
