i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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