The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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