2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
