So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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