What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
