Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
