so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
