At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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