6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
