I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm like, not good at living.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
