her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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