is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
