I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
