I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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