oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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