I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
