I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
