Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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