I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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