god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
