he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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