Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
