I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
