How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
