every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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