im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we're making bets on your personal life
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
