hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
