found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
