The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She's the barista slut.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
