captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
