I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
