You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I stole a fireplace last night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
