Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize