Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
