There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
