Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
