his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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