so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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