This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
