Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
