my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
