When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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