So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I am naked and annoyed.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
