I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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