Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Everyone says I win the strip club
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
