She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
