After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
