i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Someone shattered a urinal.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
