On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
