Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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