I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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