Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
