captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
